Tag Archives: Friendship

A Step Beyond Friendship: Accountability

Last week one of my favorite Christian entertainers was exposed for sexual sin. I found myself angry and sad at the same time. One of my friends, who was also a fan, texted me saying she too felt angry with him, as well as with sin itself, and sad for the people he’d hurt. I saw threads online where people expressed anger while others seemed to want to pardon the behavior immediately, because forgiveness, right? I’m not sure that sits so well with me. Yes, we must forgive. But it’s usually a process, not something that happens immediately. The other thing that occurred to me is that ALL sin has consequences. Whether in the physical or spiritual, immediate or delayed, there’s always a price to pay for sin. It separates us from God and often from our Christian brothers and sisters. How should that play out? Is there room for reconciliation? I believe relationships can be restored but only through the healing blood of Jesus. Whether or not leadership can be restored, I’m honestly not sure. Jesus doesn’t mince words when it comes to leaders who lead their followers down a sinful path:

“And he said to his disciples, “Temptations to sin are sure to come, but woe to the one through whom they come! It would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck and he were cast into the sea than that he should cause one of these little ones to sin.”

Luke 17:1-2

He does continue saying:

“Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him, and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times, saying, ‘I repent,’ you must forgive him.”

Luke 17: 3-4

Forgiveness is offered to those who turn away from their sin. But what about avoiding it in the first place? 

My friend and I exchanged messages and she asked some great questions: “Who was he accountable to? Who was pastoring him?”

It’s something we should all consider for ourselves. Who can we go to when we’re in trouble? When we want to avoid trouble? Who speaks God’s holiness into our lives and helps us stay on the narrow path following Jesus?

I don’t personally care for the phrase “accountability partner” because I think it sounds more like an arrangement than a relationship, but it’s a good concept to think about. Because we all face temptation and we need someone who is willing to walk the path to righteousness with us. I talked a little bit about it in “The Importance of Christian Friends” (Click here) but I want to explore the accountability aspect of friendship further today.

It’s difficult to be accountable in isolation. When the shame of our past failures and the appeal of present temptations come to visit, there aren’t many who are strong enough to walk away without the strength and support of a true friend. Yes, the Holy Spirit always provides a way out:

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

1 Corinthians 10:13

But finding the door out of a situation can be difficult when we’re standing in the dark. A friend can see our situation from another angle and even provide a little light so we can find our way out.

Friends who hold us accountable inspire us on our journey toward wholeness and holiness. They walk beside us when we’re doing well, not just when we’re struggling. They see the good and call it out of us. 

I have multiple women in my life who hold me accountable. But they can only enter in to the degree that I let them in. Accountability demands vulnerability. It can’t be accomplished through shallow conversation or in passing friendship. It demands time and a commitment to each other’s well-being. This kind of deep friendship is costly. It may mean late nights and making time for face to face conversation. In a world of busyness, a friendship of accountability means finding time to sit down and actively listen to another person. It means adjusting our priorities and putting another person at the top of the list. 

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Philippians 2:3-4

It’s against the grain and contradictory to culture, for sure. It’s not Instagram worthy and can be full of ugly tears and uncomfortable conversation. But it’s worth it. Because Jesus is worth it. He calls us to holiness, to Himself. And if we are following His example, we will stand in unity with other believers, dive deep into friendships, and pursue holiness together. 

Do you have someone who holds you accountable in your walk with Christ? 

If not, pray for opportunities to connect with other believers on a deeper level. And if there aren’t any, make them. See my article “Created for Connection” (Click here) for more ideas on how to connect with other believers in a deep and meaningful way.

Marching Together in Victory

Last Sunday my husband and I were on the prayer team and our pastor called people up for prayer who wanted more of the Holy Spirit. As people were walking up I was thinking people should be flooding the aisles of church, asking for prayer, for power, for anointing, for healing. But I wondered if I’d be in line if I weren’t already standing up front. 

Sometimes I feel like the Church is full of worn and weary soldiers on day six of marching around Jericho. Do we realize we are on the brink of victory if we will just keep walking? If we have faith to blow the horn and shout the victory, the walls will fall?

Life is hard. It is dangerous. We have a real enemy and evil does run rampant on the earth. But we are called to stand and fight not cower and complain. We are commanded to be bold not fearful. Whenever our enemy accuses or tries to take us out, we don’t need to be afraid. For He has already won the victory. 

“But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

1 Corinthians 15:57

And there is nothing we can do or that can happen to us that will ever separate us from the love of God.

“For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:38-39

We are His. We are free. And He gives us power to not only overcome sin but to overcome the enemy.

We are ineffective if we are isolated, licking our wounds in the corner.

An army’s power is in working together toward a common goal. There is strength in numbers and in unity of purpose.

A battalion of believers, bonded and secure, is Satan’s worst nightmare.

I was weak, ineffective, and afraid until I joined my own little battalion of women – women who journey together; sharing secret struggles, old wounds, fears of the past and the future, who pray for each other and each other’s families. This group of women, when they ask, “How are you doing?” really mean, “Do we need to find a private place to talk?” Our unit has banded together to march forward claiming victory for each of us. We are strong because our spirits are bonded by the Spirit who dwells in each of us and because we hold each other up when we are weak. Together we are a formidable force against the powers of the enemy.

I also have a husband who believes in my dreams and holds me accountable, even if it means staying up until midnight Tuesday to finish the post. A healthy, united marriage, where struggles and victories are shared, is another daunting weapon against evil. 

Shame’s only power is in darkness. When we share our weakness, our struggles, and our sin with other Christians, they lose their power to hold us back.

I am not special. These relationships should not be exceptional. But they are intentional and they come at a cost. Time, energy, risk – this is the cost of warrior relationships. But the benefits are too numerous to count – acceptance, friendship, love, strength, purpose…

We need to care for our wounded, lifting them up both in sincere prayer and practical assistance. A struggling brother or sister should be met with compassion not judgment. 

If you are not healed, keep asking. Not just God. Ask other believers to agree with you for healing. 

If you are scared, surround yourself with the love of other believers.

If you are weak, join hands with your brothers and sisters in worship; link arms, praise our God together. He is good and we will find strength when we stand with other believers.

Choose to believe Christ has already won the war, death and evil have been defeated. Link arms with our brothers and sisters in Christ and fight until the battle is over.

Take your place in His army, marching forward, retaking ground for the Kingdom. He gives us the weapons to fight (Ephesians 6:10-18) and gifts to share (1 Corinthians 12:8-11). 

Stand in victory today. Live in victory every day you have left on this earth.

“I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

God, strengthen our relationships with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Fortify and equip us for battle. Drive out our fear of being known, of being exposed. Cover us with the cleansing blood of you Son, Jesus Christ and fill us with the peace of your Spirit. Let us fight together until the day You return of call us Home.

Why We Need Prayer Partners

Years ago, my husband and I moved into a house in the Black Hills neighborhood of Grand Rapids, Michigan. We quickly realized we were in over our heads. The basement leaked. A window on the second floor was leaking water into the ceiling of our kitchen. The deck was falling off the house. And on and on.

I was discouraged but didn’t want anyone to know. I kept smiling telling people I was all right, that everything was fine. But nothing was fine. A war had been started in my soul and I didn’t want to tell anyone because I was ashamed, thinking maybe we were being punished or that we were just plain foolish for buying a broken house.

Slowly, slowly I found myself falling away from the faith. We had friends, but none I felt I could share such a deeply personal, hurtful, and what I thought was a shameful struggle.

But we aren’t meant to travel alone. I’ve talked about how important it is to be connected (See: Created for Connection) and last week about having Christian friends (See: The Importance of Christian Friends) but I feel it’s also important to discuss what it means to have a prayer partner.

Just before Jesus was arrested He prayed for His disciples and all those who would come to believe in Him through their words, you and me. He longed for them to be united because only through unity could they spread the Gospel message throughout the world. He prayed to His Father:

“The glory that you have given me I have given to them, that they may be one even as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me.”

John 17:22-23

Having a prayer partner is about unity in the Body of Christ. It’s about sharing and bearing one another’s burdens to preserve the faith and to spread the gospel. A prayer partner is more than a friend. They are someone who is trustworthy even with issues of the most sensitive nature. Prayer partners catch us when we’re falling, even if it’s just a slip. They remind us of God’s faithfulness, sharing tears and lifting prayers in our time of need. Prayer partners rejoice and celebrate with us in our victories, knowing that a victory for us is a victory for them and the Body of Christ.

A prayer partner is someone we trust with our lives – trust to listen without judgment and to celebrate without jealousy. They are the people who when they say they will pray for us, we know they actually will. They are the people we can message early in the morning and late at night, knowing that our urgent concerns are their urgent concerns and the prayers will start as soon as they are requested.

A couple Sundays back a friend approached me just prior to the service. She asked for prayer just for all the craziness of life and swirling in her mind. I didn’t wait. During the first song, I prayed she would find healing through the worship. I prayed she would find comfort in the message. And I prayed she would feel the strength of my prayers, agreeing with her in her time of need.

I partnered with her on that Sunday. And she has partnered with me countless times, lifting up my prayers as if they were her own.

Finding a prayer partner is risky. It means being vulnerable and putting yourself and your weakness out there for another believer. It will hurt, the first time. Maybe the second time too. Only because it’s a break with our tendency to hold everything inside, to pretend our life is perfect, and that we don’t struggle. We may get burned a time or two, finding that person who can give and take, hold us up and hold us back when needed.

But it will be worth it. Jesus prayed for us to have people we can journey with. It is His desire for us to find other sisters and brothers in Christ who we can unite with in the fight.

I pray you have found the person or people who you can unite with as prayer partners. If not, I pray you will risk the pain to find the comfort of another believer who has your back.

Jesus, free us from our self-consciousness and our desire to appear perfect. Give us the strength to dive deep in relationship with other believers. May we risk vulnerability to find others who can partner with us, giving us strength for the journey. In Your Holy Name we pray, amen.

The Importance of Christian Friends

Just over two years ago, I decided to take a leap of faith in developing new friendships at our church. We’d been attending for a few years (yes, you read that right) but I didn’t feel connected to the women of the church, even after attending a few ladies events. I was friendly with women, but I longed for a deeper connection. So I hosted an IF:Local in my home. Two other ladies attended. We laughed. We cried. We listened, learned, and prayed together. And at the end of the day, I found myself journeying with them rather than just alongside them. One of them challenged me to attend the annual ladies retreat where women from different churches gathered to learn and grow together. After traveling to Maryland and back from Michigan in a 15 passenger van, I found myself deeply connected to other women from our church.

I believe we were meant to connect with other people, especially other believers (See: Created for Connection). We are called to be the Body, not living in isolation. Christian friends offer us a place of rest, hold us accountable, and are there to walk with us on our journey with Christ. Church starts to feel like home and the people there feel more like family than friends.

All good friends can laugh and cry with us, but there’s one thing that sets Christian friends apart from all other friends. It is this: They see us through the eyes of grace.

Christian friends know we are not defined by our past or present struggles but that we are a new creation in Christ. This difference in perception allows us to be completely open and honest, vulnerable with each other, knowing that we will receive love instead of judgment. It means we can confess both our old sins and the ones we wrestle with now because Christian friends are there to hold up our arms in the battle.

Proverbs speaks about friendship like this:

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”

Proverbs 17:17

“Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another”

Proverbs 27:17

Our Christian friends can speak truth into our lives that other friends cannot. They can help spur us on toward our godly destiny because they know the God who created us. And they can commune with us spirit to spirit because the Holy Spirit dwells in both our souls.

Christian friends hold a worldview unique to the adopted children of God. They believe the impossible is possible for both themselves and their friends. And when we speak impossible dreams, they can join us, believing that nothing is impossible for God (Luke 1:37).

If you find yourself in a situation like me a few years ago, where you attend church but don’t feel like you have the deep friendships you crave, I encourage you to take 3 steps:

  1. Find the women’s ministries in your church and attend an event or two. If there is no women’s ministry, maybe you should start one.
  2. All friendships involve risk and vulnerability. Put yourself out there. Talk with someone after church. Get to know someone new.
  3. Invite other women out for coffee, or even better, into your home. I honestly believe there is no better way to dive deep into friendship with other women than by inviting them into your personal space.

Trust me when I say I’m an introvert and hate small talk and awkward conversation. Which is why I was alone in a church full of women for years. But somehow taking the simple but drastic step to invite them into my world opened a whole new realm of friendship I may never have accessed otherwise.

If you’re already plugged in, diving deep with other women in your life, reach out to them today and let them know how much their friendship means to you. Make plans to see each other…soon. Life can be busy, but there’s always time for a good friend.

Stay tuned for next week when we talk about Why We Need Prayer Partners.

Sharing the Burden

My daughter and I walk with my son to the bus stop on the days I’m off of work. When it’s cold, we bundle up in hats, scarves, and snow pants, dancing around trying not to freeze. When it’s hot we smile at the sunshine and breathe deeper, enjoying the fresh air. And when it rains, we wear our boots and carry umbrellas.

One cold, rainy day we were standing at the bus stop, waiting like always to see the bus pop out from the street just down from ours. My son wanted to bring his basketball to school, as he often does, despite the wet weather and the fact we still needed to wear gloves. He opted for a hat instead of an umbrella so he could carry his beloved ball.

As we waited in the rain, he decided to use his ball as a resting spot and sat down, looking off into the distance, waiting for the yellow bus to appear. I stood and watched as my daughter walked over with her blue and white umbrella and held it over both of their heads. I was struck by the unprompted act of kindness and took a picture of the two of them.

She always knows when I’m taking a picture

When I looked down at the picture on my phone I thought about how God tells us to carry each other’s burdens:

“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”

Galatians 6:2

It’s a choice to step in to meet another person’s need, or to enter into their pain. Empathy and action often cost us personally, whether time, energy, or money. Sometimes all three.

The Bible commands us to:

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

Philippians 2:3-4

We all have needs: shelter, food, love, forgiveness. And we will all be the person in need at some point. Likewise, we will also find ourselves in a position to provide for others.

We have each been blessed by God with the forgiveness of sins and the gift of the Holy Spirit dwelling inside us, leading and guiding us as we walk through this life. We have received His grace so we can give it away.

“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

If you’re standing in the rain, don’t let it soak you to the bone. Find someone with an umbrella and take shelter. We can’t do life alone. We’re all Created for Connection, but if we choose to hide and pretend we can do it ourselves, we’ll end up alone and hungry, sad, bitter, and cynical. There is no shame in asking for help. We will all be in a position of needing someone to hold the umbrella at different times in our lives. No one gets through this life without getting wet.

And if you find yourself in the sun, where maybe the puddles have receded for a time, let me encourage you to carry a large umbrella and use it to shelter others from the storms of this life.

In a world that tells us to look out for ourselves first, be the person who chooses to sacrifice for the good of others around you. Sometimes there will be a cost and sometimes you just need to hold the umbrella.

Created for Connection

I know a little girl who feels alone in her school. There are lots of mean girls there, girls who pick and prod, until this little girl feels she has to fight to get the teasing to stop. Some would say she has behavior issues and may put a negative label on her. But I know this little girl. I know her heart. She is sweet and kind. She cares for her siblings and everyone around her. She sees into people’s hearts but she needs another little girl to see into hers. So we pray for “one good friend” for her, as another friend of mine says.

I know a boy, a young man really, who needs a job. He’s applied and applied but received no answers. He needs someone to see past the paper, to the man who needs an income. I know many people actually, who have sent out resume after resume and filled out too many applications only to be rejected repeatedly. Being repeatedly rejected takes a toll on the human soul. They need HR representatives who see potential and read between the lines of worldly qualifications.

I know wives who feel alone in their marriages, who don’t feel seen or appreciated by their husbands; women who are sad and angry because they feel like godly submission has tricked them into being the workhorse of the marriage but never being recognized. They need husbands with open eyes, who can look down from their projects, their phones, and their own worries long enough to connect with their wives.

I know husbands who feel like their wives are rooting against them, like they’re on separate teams in the same game. These men want to be seen for their leadership and dedication, for their sacrifice.

We all need to be seen by the people around us. We crave connection, recognition, and praise. We all need someone in our lives who sees past the front we display down to our core. That person who sees us as we could be and not who we are.

We want to know our worth.

Our worth is first and foremost dictated by God, who loved and valued humankind so much He sent His Son to suffer death for us (See: A Letter to the Lost). But it is most certainly reinforced by those around us.

I was reading the love chapter in 1 Corinthians 13  again the other day. I remembered once hearing someone suggest placing our own name wherever love is mentioned. I started, “Meg is patient.” Stop! I am not patient. In fact I’m probably well known in some circles (read, my family) as being very impatient. And in light of the stories above, and the people I know, including myself, who just need someone to believe in their worth, I was convicted of my own role in the dysfunction. How can I communicate worth and encourage connection with my children and husband if I’m always tapping my foot with my arms crossed because they aren’t fast enough for me? What am I saying about them when my language is irritable and resentful?

But before I could beat myself up too much, God reminded me who I am in Christ. He sees me for who I can be. He believes I can be like Him, that one day I’ll be able to put my name in the love chapter without conviction or guilt. He whispers grace in my ear and speaks freedom from condemnation.

If my Father believes in me, I can do anything. In fact,

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

Philippians 4:13

Reach out to someone today. Tell them you see them, you believe in them, you love them. Be the connection they need in that moment. Because we weren’t created to travel alone. We were created for connection.