One of the biggest barriers in my relationship with God is trusting His way is better than mine. I have and still struggle with the fear that if I completely surrender, if I let Him take over and act according to His ways and His plans instead of my own, God will somehow hurt me. I struggle to trust that God is good and He can be trusted with the one thing I hold closest – my life.
Back in 2008, my husband Chad and I bought our first house in the Black Hills neighborhood of Grand Rapids, Michigan. We’d been volunteering with a tutoring ministry for over a year and we fell in love with the neighborhood and the kids who lived there.
The first day we walked through our house there was a stream running through our basement.
It was just the beginning of more than two years of our house falling apart and us putting it back together. We spent tens of thousands of dollars repairing almost every square inch of that house. If there was something that could go wrong, it did. We had water leaks, wood rot, termites, electrical problems, and on and on and on.
My fears seemed to be realized. We were honoring God by moving there, by serving there, and He gave us endless problems, draining our bank account and our energy. I was angry, anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, and lonely. I blamed God for our situation. I began to believe He couldn’t be trusted, that He was an angry and vindictive God.
Problem was, everything that was happening to us was so far out of my control that I couldn’t do anything about it. I couldn’t fix where we were physically and I couldn’t fix myself emotionally or spiritually. I came undone one night, weeping and falling into a heap on the floor. I’d found the end of myself and it’s an experience I’ll never forget. Because although that night I told God I didn’t believe in Him, I realize now that He’s never been closer to me than in the moment of my greatest pain and failure.
Only when I finally gave in because I had nothing left could I see God’s faithfulness. Only living through an experience where I reached the end of my human capacity could I learn about trusting God.
There is a poem in the book of Isaiah that speaks to God’s trustworthiness:
“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you.Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.”Isaiah 26:3-4
He is an everlasting rock. He does not move. He does not change. He is constant and He cares for us.
Through that experience, I found that God is faithful. He is faithful to join me in the pain of my own futility by hanging on a cross. A God who is faithful like that, who walks with me, redeems me, restores me – that God can be trusted.
God, teach us to trust in You both when we have it all together and when we’re falling apart. Amen.
I’m a wife, mom of two, and lover of Jesus. I believe through Him we are transformed and receive new life, giving us unique purpose.